Day 7: Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I woke up after 2 ½ hours sleep. About 4:50 am. I caught the sunrise with another guy and a resident dog. I drank too much last night. Overindulged. Carried away. I would've preferred sleep, a healthier option. I guess I just wanted a release. I was playing a card game called Rook last night for a few hours. I passed up town with a bunch of guys and Alice. By the time I headed in around 9 am, they were headed back. The live music was over in 30 minutes. I saw Isandre and Julie there. I walked back and it was pretty quiet. The bonfire happened while I was gone. People were bedding down. I was up in a loft playing cards with some guys and two American chicas. I felt out of sync yesterday evening. I found myself clinging, and suffering as a result. During Rook I wanted to do into town. When I got to town I wanted to go back. I was not enjoying the moment. I was most definitely elsewhere in thought. I was attached to Alice. Not hanging with her turned to jealous thoughts. They still continue. I'm suffering because I'm not letting go of her. I must let go. Enjoy the moment, here now. Beach, waves, hammock.
I did my mosaic this morning. Green letters, red background and mirror in the middle. My contribution to the tons of mosaics here. I have a surf lesson at 1 pm. I was trying the surf shop, closed again. I knocked next door and met Cesar, a guy from Brazil who has made surfboards for 25 years. I watched him repair the board I'd be using. I got my laundry done. There is a breeze. I had to ditch my Adidas sandals – I have an open sore on my left big toe. I need to move to flip flops. I fell getting into my hammock a few minutes ago . I need to meditate for a bit. I have anxious feelings arising. I don't know why.
I've hit a wall. I pushed myself too hard today. I got a lot of sun and wasn't using lotion. I did a lot of walking in sandals and got blisters. I went surfing, which included bicycling for 30 minutes (there and back). I didn't eat much of anything, some ham, yogurt, fruit juice, banana, nuts. And all that on 2 hours sleep after a night of heavy drinking. What a combination. I'm trying to rest now. Damp cloth on my head. Urine is clear, sun is going down, and it rained so it's cooler. I know this feeling is temporary. I can take solace in that belief. It has to be balanced though, and that means the good feelings, too, are impermanent. Balance is the keyword. Suffering can be mitigated by the right decisions. I am resting, and that is ok. It is what my body and mind need right now. It's important that I truly believe that. I passed on a joint being smoked by some guys earlier. I knew that would be a wrong choice, and unhealthy one that could lead to further suffering. I am proud of myself for resisting the temptation. I will be in no rush today. No rush tonight. If allowing my body to truly rest means stopping socializing, a big dinner, etc., so be it. That would be the right decision. I have to feel better before I can smile and make other people feel better. I saw Alice got back. She had gone biking/snorkeling with a guy fromColorado. We head in different directions tomorrow, her rafting in San Jose. Me? Haven't decided yet, however I'd have to be in a better shape to take too long a bus ride tomorrow. And I'm surfing at 1 pm so I have to factor that in.
I took a Tylenol for my headache. My temp is normal, which is good. Sunburn and lack of sleep are what's getting me! Only time can really help. Luckily, I've got time on my hands being on vacation and all. Relax. Deep breaths. The world will still be there after my nap.
Oh it's official, the top of my head hurts from the burn. Darn, I was doing so well and I had to tempt the fates today. I should've known better. I should also know not to beat myself up about it. I recognize I made a few wrong decisions today, it led to suffering however that suffering is impermanent, I will get better. Until then hat or bandana on at all times. I need a break from the beach and water sports. I'll need more Aloe Vera too!
Been resting about 1.5 hours so far, sunburn is starting to feel worse, headache still present, I feel quite tense, so I'm sure that's not helping.